*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
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Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed