It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
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[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do