[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
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me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up