I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
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I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”