2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
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@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan