alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
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dude killed a sea lion with his bike
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR