[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
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Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask