Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
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[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
It was worth a shot 😂
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.