*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
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The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!