for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
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You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen