Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
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‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain