Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
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I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that鈥檚 confidential
me: then how鈥檇 i hear about it
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH鈥橲 LIKE 3 DAYS
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
馃ぃ馃槇馃ぃ
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don鈥檛 have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You鈥檙e working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
馃ぃ
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”