Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
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WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Awwwww shit.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
This made me chuckle.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card