Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
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torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.