Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
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If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
*3.5 thank you very much.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
bout dat hot dog summer
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.