“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
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People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.