Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
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[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Me buying fruit and veg
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please