You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
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[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
#SuperBowl
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
the simulation is moving too fast
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.