Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
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I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.