I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
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I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Lmbo
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
The photographer’s assistant
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra