She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
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Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
What the hell is going on?
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
The internet is full of many things
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”