#parenting
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Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Put a ring on it
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!