doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys