Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
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“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
*puts my mental health in rice
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.