Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
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Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*