[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
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[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Perfect