An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
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If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed