Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
You Might Also Like
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism