I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
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I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..