Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
We need to put an American base on the sun
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice