My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
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“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
car not found
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*