The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
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Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans