If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
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All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…