Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
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I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.