Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
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When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
So the ex texted me
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!