My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
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If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*