I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
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If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.