*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
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I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.