Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
You Might Also Like
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink