[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
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Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?