You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
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Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.