sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
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You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.