Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
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Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Don’t forget to tip your server
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it