My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
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[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
My beach vacation Google searches
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
The symmetry is uncanny.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.