ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
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Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I’m not stressed
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
lmfao come on
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Hotels are back
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.