my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
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My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.