Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
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I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg