*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
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Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
In banana years, I am bread.