inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
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There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Twitter remains undefeated
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.