Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
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[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.